Letting Go Too Quickly…

Last night I was looking through the gallery on Hubby’s phone. There was a photo of me and Beboo in bed when she was teeny tiny, this photo bothered me, it re-enforced the fact that she will be my last.

Her teeny arms and legs, her sleepy expression whilst cuddled up in my arms. I have grown used to the fact the Pop’s is growing up, I am enjoying every day, as she really does make me so proud, even when she is a madam. I have blogged in so of my past posts about my MS making it too difficult and unsafe to have more babies. I have no say in it really, which as a mummy of two lovely little girls, is really hard.

I find myself welling up at the thought of never being pregnant again (although my pregnancies are rough) and never giving birth again. Most people get the choice, not me. I know how lcky I am to have two already, some people don’t even have that, but sometimes that makes it worse as I know what I am missing.

Seeing these photos brought a tear to my eye and have stuck with me all day. I feel its so unfair that My Monster has once again, decided which way my life goes.

I will be sure to enjoy everyday I have with my girls, even through the shitty nappies and tantrums.

For all the ladies out the with choices etc, I envy you greatly.

Here is some photos of Beboo and Mummy.


My Very Own I Have Never,

So whilst on twitter last night the lovely @donna_trinder tweeted about a blog post she had written on her lovely blog  about 10 things she had never done. It was a really great read. I decided I would steal the idea, with my own weird, over-sharing self, so here it goes:

  • I have never read 50 shades of grey. Yes I know, unheard of, but I found no harm in my socially unacceptable form of erotic fiction.
  • I have never read or seen ANY of the twilight films. Yes I must live under a rock or something.
  • I have never seen Avatar. Stuck under that rock I tell you.
  • I have never been abroad. In-fact I don’t even own a passport, how sad am I?
  • I have never been skiing. Odd one but very true.
  • I have never smoked a cigarette. I know you all think I am lying, but I really have no reason to, I really have not done this, I have such an addictive nature it would not be wise.
  • I have never taken drugs. What am I, Amish?
  • I have never drank tequila. Should I? I’m sure something you drink with lemon and salt cannot be nice.
  • I have never been in a gay bar. I need no words here.
  • I have never followed through. I feel with this one I am far from missing out, cannot be a nice thing to do.
  • I have never had a one nights stand. Nope never, could not imagine ever having the want or need.
  •  I have never had a bikini wax. No I am not a bear, I simply do it myself.
  • I have never been skinny dipping. How ever I would love to do this one.
  • I have never had a spray tan or sunbed. I am a casper, I am afraid this one simply does not interest me.

Well there it is, some facts about what I have never done! I would love to read some of yours, I feel its helps people get to be nosey  know one another. Hope you enjoyed.

Marriage Woes

Now don’t get me wrong I love my husband greatly, he really is the other part of me, I guess its marriage itself that is the hard part.

With the added stress of me having MS, like any other married couple we argue and as I am so, well let say fiery and he tends to use the ‘I’m not saying a word’ approach, arguments often escalate for no reason.

Although I hate arguing and believe me I do, having a massive blow out can often clear the air, kind of like a thunder storm on a hot muggy day.

Sometimes without it things will often bubble under the surface, personally I find this more unhealthy than a good argument. It does make me wonder though, how many arguments are normal? None? Several? Loads?

I am finding that MS puts a huge stress on us as a couple, I find myself being jealous or couples with normal lives, but then I suppose everyone has there issues, I guess ours are just very raw and new for us both.

Talking of MS, I have had a few bad days recently. Got a bad back, which does nothing but make me angry, also vertigo? What is with vertigo? It really does remind me of being a child and spending too long on a roundabout.

Back to the topic at hand, marriage, it may have to be one of the best, worst, fun, challenging things I have ever done. I don’t think anyone really has a happy ever after.

Although Hubby drives me insane and makes me cry, shout and be vile, I still love him, in-fact I still find myself loving him more and more everyday.

I just hope he is as determined as me to do this together, as a family.

When?

When will it end?

When will I stop feeling so crap everyday?

When will the fighting stop?

When it is time to say enough is enough?

Why do the people you love the most make you hate yourself more than you already do?

How is it okay for someone you love to make you feel so alone ad isolated.

Why can’t I seem to cut a break?

Does he think I want this? Or asked for this to happen?

I fight daily with my emotions of my MS, mostly bad, mostly hurtful and painful.

Something like this affects every little part of you and your life.

Is it okay to feel so worthless?

The girls are the only reason I smile, the only reason I carry on fighting so hard.

Lets face it, i’ll never be the old version of me again I am finding it so hard finding the new one too.

RIP, Marriage…

Yes I feel the time has come to tell the world about my recent loss. I know there are many, many other women out there just like me. I am finally ready to say it…

I am a CONSOLE WIDOW.

Yes, I have lost my husband to that cruel computerised bitch.

How do I feel? Well hurt, angry but most of all like throwing the damn thing out of the window!

He used to give me lovely hugs and endless kisses, now he can always be found fondling the the cold, rough control pad.

All I get now is the odd smile and cold shoulder to cuddle.

Are you, like me a console widow?