Its Okay To Break.

So this week has been pretty normal. Aside from Narla being spay and having to explain the whole concept to a four year old, but that is another post for another day.

I had my infusion again, told the nurse about my trouble remembering, thinking and having important conversations. Hoping the MRI I shall be having on the 15th will show the cause, if not, then maybe its time to think again on my infusion.

The week has also been packed with mega tiredness, I even managed to be in bed by 5 the other evening.

I had just had enough of everything,  so that along with being super tired pushed me to hide away for the evening.

Going to bed early and having lie-ins in the mornings might sound amazing, but mostly I just feel guilty.

Guilt and wanting my days back is not the best emotional combination.

So inside I have been secretly breaking.

I don’t think I can cry anymore, this year has seen far too many tears, so I have just got on with it quietly. I figure it’s the wrong time of year to be putting a downer on everything and everyone.

And besides, I am no stranger to feeling shite.

Kind of comes with the territory i’d say.

I guess sometimes I just get so tired trying to ‘be strong’ that it tends to just hit you at once. Like a big smack in the mush.

Anyway we are off to London again this weekend, so I will slap on a smile and get on with it until I return home.

Then it will be okay to break a tiny bit more.

 

Kidcampz

kidcampz

Kidcampz are a great new brand who have really transformed the art of tent making into, well, an art?!

They are sets which come together to make a tent with a difference. We gave one of thees sets a run for its money. In the pack were; poles, the end attachments for joining the poles, a huge tent cover, clips, velcro straps, pegs and a nifty holdall bag. Oh and instructions of course, but after the first time they become obsolete! 

See this is a tent set with a difference. This tent can be any shape and size you wish providing you have the right amount of poles, however as it can be used with chairs, sofas and any other unsuspecting piece of furniture, the possibilities really are endless regardless! 

For the purpose of this review however we made a simple square tent, granted it was a larger than average square tent, so much so, we had to adventure into the conservatory to complete it. See the photos below:

Assembley time

See, so easy, everyone decided to help, even Beboo was able to have a go putting it together, she may not have been the most helpful toddler at the time, but she tried 😛

The basic structure was easy to complete and once the top was on, we soon found it even had doors, which Pops was very excited about, I think it made the whole thing more ‘real’ The tent covering if very large and basically a huge cube shape, which means it is really versatile as far as fitting the structures go.

finished tent

Now the day we did this, Pops was over excited and I quote “just wanted us to hurry up” but since doing this, we have made a house shaped one and my sister even had a try at using the dining table to made a really huge den for the girls.

Needless to say, the Kidcampz tent was a hit with everyone, even Nanny and Gramps came to have a look!

The fact it comes in a cool holdall bag also means it can be taken anywhere and transported between here and nannies with ease. I think come the summer it will be a great addition for the garden also, meaning its ultra versatile!

A Kidcampz tent would make the perfect gift this Christmas, so go on, you know you want to! 

Count Yourself Lucky!

Some posts you want to write, you sit umming and arrring about whether you should write it in the first place.

You wonder if it will offend people or cause upset, but part of really doesn’t care about that, its my blog and if your unhappy don’t read it. Simple.

Then there’s also that little saying, the truth hurts. 

See I recently heard something about a member of my family which not only left me dumbfounded, but really quite hurt.

They say love makes you do the strangest things, which is probably true, but at the same time, love should be about loving every tiny bit of who that person is. Not telling them what to wear, do or eat. That’s not love, that is control.

That is of course unless your partner is eating nothing but sweets, crisps and something vile like dripping on toast, this would be the only time it would be okay to maybe mention not eating so much of the previously mentioned food stuffs.

Anyway, this family member had decided that her and her slightly over bearing partner were so much in love, that they couldn’t possibly live another day together.

They had to try and commit suicide together, by jumping off an over pass.

Its been said that it would show the world just how much in love they are.

Personally, it would show me just how selfish they were to commit such an act. Love wouldn’t even come into it.

Firstly for two people in perfect health, with their whole lives in front of them, its just horrid. The amount of times I have lay in bed, in horrendous pain, unable to control my bladder the right amount and trying to understand why I am the one who had to have this disease to look over and see my pain killers and just want it all to be over.

Because it’s never going away. My little family will never get away from it, we will never get better.

But I don’t, because look at what I would leave behind. The futures, dreams and achievements of my family, extended or otherwise. I might not be the most able any more, I might rely on my husband more than I am comfortable with but I am still here. I still live every day with a smile, laugh and I take each opportunity I get sent.

So yes, maybe I do have a reason to end it all, but I also have a bloody good reason not to. 

And secondly, leaping off an overpass, will ruin someone else’s life forever. The poor unsuspecting driver below and their car full of children, would forever be ruined. 

Not to mention the fact one of you could live and the other die. Then how stupidly selfish would you feel?!

I’m sorry if you don’t like my words but count yourself lucky and like I said before. The truth hurts.

Children’s Cooking With The English Table.

Children love to cook. Especially my children, so when we were sent some beautiful children’s cooking equipment, it gave Pops the perfect excuse to get in the kitchen and do some cooking.

baking!

The English Table have some really beautiful and amazingly priced cooking equipment for both Children and Adults (of course) and we really enjoyed taking a look around the website and seeing all the lovely things they sell. Seeing as I have an obsession with green kitchen equipment, this was perfect for me!

We were sent:

  • Chefs hat and apron
  • Beautiful butterfly cake tins
  • Cutters
  • Mixing bowl complete with all the little sized accessories Pop’s could need.

As you can see, Pops took to the kitchen with her lovely Auntie to create some amazing creations and using her bowl and measuring spoons she was even able to take part in all the complicated measuring and mixing!

Finished baking

 She was over the moon with her new equipment and was pleased with all the goodies she had made!

Now, I am lucky enough to bring you a great competition to win one of two of these sets (pictured below, not including Pop’s obviously) which would be perfect with Christmas coming, so please follow the instructions, UK Only and good luck!

Prize

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Win competitions at ThePrizeFinder.com

I Just Can’t Think

I have been keeping a few things inside, mainly because I don’t really know how to deal with them effectively.

I am really struggling inside. Confusion and lost words seem to keep me in silence. Deadlocked in nothing.  

Ever since I have started my treatment, I haven’t been able to write, well not like I used to anyway. I used to be able to fill my post with emotion and honesty, something I always prided myself on.

Now I am lost.

Now my brain has nothing to say. Its heavy and when I try to recall a memory, feeling, emotion or event I have nothing. I can’t remember what I wanted to say. And when I can, I just cannot find the words to say it.

I loose myself in mid conversation.

I feel like part of my brain has been cut off, the thinking part. The part that has something to say, something with substance. 

I feel well, I even look well. But my brain is not the same. I feel different, lost and at a loose end.

I don’t really feel anything there anymore.

Its like all I have is the ability to function, to get by. 

I don’t like it.

I hate it. Its overpowering me and my emotions. My thoughts and the stories in my head, sometimes finding the next word can be hard.

It’s okay when I’m home. They understand the silence, but more recently it has happened when I was out with strangers, and it leaves me feeling sad, embarrassed and extremely flustered.

I have no idea what to do.