How I see my monster? Its something I often think about. I mean it isn’t like MS is a bug or a parasite, its not a living entity. It kind of just is?
The way I feel about it is my body is essentially at war with itself, its attacking all the thing I personally find useful, like my sight and ability to walk without the aid of a stick. I picture my monster to be sat in some deep dark corner of my mind slowly taking control. I don’t intend to give up on myself, I do intend to feel sorry for myself at times when I deserve to! I find the more I fight the more it seems to take control, but everyone says ‘your strong’ but am I? Only hubby really seeing how much it affects me physically and emotionally, I have pushed a lot of friends away.
I guess for years I did seem lazy and like I was simply uninterested but I just wasn’t able. I let people get the better of my emotions and the depression that has become such a part of my life hit its peak. Thats one thing that people debate most, is depression there? Well yes it is! Like MS you arnt able to see it as such but you know its there and for whoever has it its very real. I no depression will be something I will always have to battle with as I don’t think ill ever feel 100% about it.
My monster effects my ability to parent like a normal mother. I cannot go out alone with my children and I cannot see if there is a car coming or not. I should really use my support stick more as when I walk some distance my left leg starts to buckle from beneath me, pop’s is always dobbing me into the support worker for falling over because I didn’t take my stick.
To a passes by I look completely normal, but if you were to step into my shoes for a day you would see just how much this monster is currently affecting me. Thing I didn’t really think of before Beboo was born, having to make bottles, I cannot do this as I cannot see the water level. Very recently my right eye has started to become blurred when I do any physical exercise! Which essentially means I cannot see a thing, so staying calm and quite is something I tend to do!
My monster has also recently presented me with tremors normally when im concentrating on something I have to do, which at times can be very awkward.
Family and friends have been a great support although my mum seems to blame herself? For what reason I don’t no, but im determined to show her I will do my best. I’m very much looking forward to my neurologist choosing a daily medication for me, as hopefully it will give me some relief. Although after reading some MS mummy blogs I see that even these bring with them side effects.