Its My Fault

So with this relapse  I have been feeling so shit.

Like the shittest thing imaginable.

I am finding it hard to crack a smile, let alone hold a conversation. 

This is having a knock on affect on everyone, even Pops.

This last week she has been naughty at play school, home and Nanny’s. Its becoming a regular thing, which for Pops is just not normal.

I can’t help but feel guilty for her, I try and act ‘normal’ with the girls but it doesn’t take a genius to realise I am not feeling my best, especially for a three year old who lets nothing get past her. 

She makes this horrid winey sound and cries at the littlest things, from drawing a hand in the wrong place to someone not respecting her dinosaur bed in the sand pit.

Who knew?

The problem is especially apparent when Beboo is around, with Pops even knocking her own jenga down and blaming it on her eight month old sister who is the other side of the room. 

Yup, true story.

I don’t even get mad, just feel so sorry for her and so guilty for the things she already has to put up with.

Ergh why does MS have to make us all miserable?!

 

I’m Sorry

Today has been a bad MS day, days like these really do make you wonder why and how.

I often sit and wonder how I got here. How it was me who ended up having MS.

Some might say it was karma.

At times I might agree with them.

It makes you want to apologise for all you have done and all you now cannot do.

I am sorry for the lies I told.

I am sorry to the people I hurt.

I am sorry for not being ready.

I am sorry for for not loving my sister then, like I do now, for taking her for granted.

To my girls I am sorry for not being all I can be.

Sorry for bringing the nasty disease into their lives.

Sorry for being a burden now and in their future.

Sorry for the days when I simply just can’t.

To my husband I am sorry you had to care when you were young and now as you get older.

Sorry for not always being the best wife I can be.

Sorry to all of your for our future, I can’t see it being pretty.

I am most sorry for the fact the sorry is not enough, sorry will not make this go away.