Depression Desperation.

 

It’s everywhere, that word. That feeling. That illness.

That feeling of being completely desperate to know, to feel, to tell someone the truth about how completely empty you feel inside.

How completely empty yet full of every feeling and emotion you have ever felt. All at once, all wanting out, all needing to be heard and felt.

For me, depression had almost become a way of life. As scary as that sounds? This problem and feeling won’t ever leave, so I learn to control it. to turn it off, for a while.

When it happens to you, it’s okay. You’re strong, you can do this, you have done this.

But when it happens to someone you love, it suddenly becomes a whole new experience.

A whole new way of life.

You want to do and say the right thing. You want to be strong, the rock, but you also need to release that emotion. Because watching someone you love fall apart from the inside out is impossible.

But we will cope.

We will pick  them up and carry them, for a while.

We will listen and we will learn.

We will have patience and we will become that rock.

Because we are a family and that’s what we do.

No one really knows the path it will take, or how long we will walk it, but we will walk it together.

Because we can x

 

Its Okay To Break.

So this week has been pretty normal. Aside from Narla being spay and having to explain the whole concept to a four year old, but that is another post for another day.

I had my infusion again, told the nurse about my trouble remembering, thinking and having important conversations. Hoping the MRI I shall be having on the 15th will show the cause, if not, then maybe its time to think again on my infusion.

The week has also been packed with mega tiredness, I even managed to be in bed by 5 the other evening.

I had just had enough of everything,  so that along with being super tired pushed me to hide away for the evening.

Going to bed early and having lie-ins in the mornings might sound amazing, but mostly I just feel guilty.

Guilt and wanting my days back is not the best emotional combination.

So inside I have been secretly breaking.

I don’t think I can cry anymore, this year has seen far too many tears, so I have just got on with it quietly. I figure it’s the wrong time of year to be putting a downer on everything and everyone.

And besides, I am no stranger to feeling shite.

Kind of comes with the territory i’d say.

I guess sometimes I just get so tired trying to ‘be strong’ that it tends to just hit you at once. Like a big smack in the mush.

Anyway we are off to London again this weekend, so I will slap on a smile and get on with it until I return home.

Then it will be okay to break a tiny bit more.

 

I Am In A Dark Place.

Literally, I have hit a wall and I am stuck in a dark place.

No amount of smiling is making me happy and everything I see or hear makes my head hurt. 

All I want is to sit in a dark room alone, with nothing but silence. Nothing but myself for company, so I can wallow and just be for a while.

I feel selfish, but right now its the only thing that makes the pain in my head go away, it just seems to be what I need right now, I don’t know why, but the more I fight it, the more it hurts.

All this means I don’t have much going on in my head right now, just blank emptiness, which explains why I haven’t really wanted to blog very much. Not because I can’t find the words, but because there are no words. And when I do have words, they are quickly forgotten, completely untraceable. 

I guess its all come on over time, very slowly yet still a massive smack in the face.

One I really could do without.

I was feeling okay, I was doing okay and I was finally finding my feet with everything and now I just feel like a massive let down.

Because I am obviously not as strong as I once assumed I was, because no amount of trying is making this go away.

Not anger, not hope, not happiness, nothing. It just is.

 

 

I Am Mentally Un-Healthy

Its true, I am mentally un-healthy.

Don’t worry though, I won’t eat your children or cry until I dribble snot all over my sorry self. I am past that.

I think?

You wouldn’t think it to look at me, well I say this but I have shaved half my hair off and I am covered in tattoos, so some might say I do?

Lets be honest. Everyone has a different picture of what a mentally ill person looks like. Whether you want to admit it or not, you do. Whether it be my crazy hair or someone standing in the pouring rain crying, you have that image.

Personally you should take that image, throw it in the bin and go and look in the mirror. Then you will see what a mentally ill person could look like. Yup, it could be you. 

We look normal.

Undoubtedly we don’t often talk about it, we wont force our worries or demons on other people, we keep them inside which is part of the problem. That is unless you write about it, like I am now.

Today is world mental health day, a day for people to throw away the perceptions and just see what is really there, for them to listen to how a mentally ill person really feels.

Personally, it will always be a demon I will battle with. It comes with the territory of having MS I guess? That alone is something I will never ‘get over’ its always there in the back of my mind, screaming to get back in control. So living with a disease like this, brings sadness, a deeper low and a will to make it all stop.

I lived that low for s long without help, I know how it feels, I know what it looks like and now I know how to help myself. For me personally, I need the help of the doctors. I rely daily on antidepressants, which have helped bring my smile back, to bring me back.

I am fine living on them, knowing without them I would fall so far down, I wouldn’t even recognise myself. 

Yes I can smile, I can laugh until I wet myself (another MS thing) and I can enjoy life, the whole time still living with a mental illness. It doesn’t make it any less real or painful, it just means I am coping and finding my own way in life, just like thousands of other people in the same boat.

Having depression doesn’t make me any different.

 

It’s Still There

I have been a little quiet about my MS recently. There are a few reasons why, I guess?

I know for a fact it’s still there, lets face it, its never going away, right?

Since starting my Tysabri, I have been feeling ‘better’ as better as someone like me can feel anyway. I still tire and have all the other usual symptoms, however I have felt a little more rounded.

Not in the shape sense, well that could be a lie but its nothing a pair of big girl pants can’t fix.

I guess for me its the fact I am different, that is what is holding me back at the moment. Pop’s now goes to school and is starting to ask more questions about why I am poorly, she will start to notice I am not like the other Mums.

Other Mums will also notice I am not like they are. Hubby usually takes Pops to school and picks her up, for various reasons, however I do try and go when I can and when I do go, I make sure I am right at the front, but I am sure other Mums will notice.

Next is the burden that is me. People can tell me I am not a burden, but that will not stop me from feeling like one. To go out whether it be to appointments or just the park, I can’t do it alone. I could give it a damn good go, but that would not be fair on the girls, using my ears alone to tell if there is a car coming is so not reliable enough. 

This means I need someone, people have to sometimes change plans and drop things for me. It’s not a nice feeling I can assure you.

Also, my left eye is basically completely blind now. I only told Hubby this last week because he hadn’t asked previous. I think he was shocked, however I am not fussed, I would rather have a blind eye than a useless, still works a bit kind of eye.

I have come to terms with it and so has my body, its no big deal.  

Depression, this one sneaks up on me all the time, I don’t know why and I cannot explain it, but its happening again. I don’t want to get lost in it again, but sometimes the only way to face it, is embrace it. So who knows what I will need to do this time. 

And right now, I have a cold coming and anyone with MS knows a tiny cold, can become and feel like so much more. Most don’t bat an eye lid but for me, its a bitch. 

I have been trying to carry on and block out the lovely disease that has graced me its presence, but sometimes after a fight, I need a break for a bit, I need to let the pissy days happen and feel sorry for myself for a while.

Watch this space, or not, depending on your preference.