The Amitriptyline Hangover

So roll back a few months, I was not sleeping. I was exhausted from even trying to sleep, but just completely unable to switch off.

Once I was asleep I would sleep, it was just the whole getting to sleep part I was struggling with.

I think I ended up using nytol for around 4 weeks, I think given how tired I was, I would have tried anthrax if I thought it would send me off to sleep. 

Knowing what I know about drugs, I knew becoming dependant on said antihistamine was probably not the best option.

So when the time came to see the man in charge of, well, me?  The first thing out of my mouth was “please put me to sleep” I informed him about my longing to nip into the anesthetics suite when I was on my way to my infusions, just for a quick nap. 

He We laughed.

But that didn’t last long because I WAS KNACKERED.

So he gave me Amitriptyline. I knew a little about the drug and he said it would help me drift of into a normal sleep.


So although Amitriptyline is not really used for sleep, reports show people who do use it, have a real sleep.

So, the first night I took it. Two hours later I was asleep. 

The whole night, I slept. 

But the next day I had to wake up for some appointment and my did I feel like death. 

I literally felt like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards twice, thrown out of a tree and had someone shouting in my ear ALL NIGHT LONG.

I had been warned about the after effects at the pharmacy. How I would feel if I woke too soon.

I felt like satan had licked my brain. It was vile.

I had an Amitriptyline hangover. The worst kind of hangover ever.

And the only way to get rid of this hangover was to sleep. Sleep was the key.

So thats what I did!

Now, instead of feeling like I had danced with the devil, I wake up feeling like I had a real sleep. Kind of like a normal person does.

I need to make sure I get between 12-14 hours, but thats fine. As long as I can wake up ready to face my version of life, I’m good.

Thank god for modern medicine!

I Don’t Like Those Odds

Statistics, odds and what ifs, all part of the fun as far as drugs are concerned.

I recently had my annual Neuro appointment, only the usual are you happy and such like, but one thing he did mention was the fact that  some people can develop and intolerance to Tysabri, 1 in 20 people in-fact. I just don’t like those odds.

I am almost always in the minority, but this is one thing where I need to be in with the masses.

I do not want the day to come where my body decides that enough is enough, where the games begin again.

I am settled.

I am happy and comfortable with everything right now, I am far from perfect or normal, but that’s okay, I am getting by just fine and I want things to stay that way. 

I know its a ‘what if’ and a ‘maybe’ kind of thing and people can tell me I will be fine until they are blue in the face, but 1 in 20 gives me a higher change of it happening.

I expected some high triple digit number, not a measly 20.

That means I would have to start again, after having the inevitable crash stopping the nice drugs would bring. I don’t want that, I don’t think I am strong enough to do that again this year.

Why does life have to be so damn complicated?

Why can’t it just be easy, nothing is ever easy for this family.

How did I get here?

I refuse to be in the minority again. I think its my turn to sit and chill with the masses for a change!


When The Going Gets Tough, Blame The ‘Druggies’?!

Yep, here comes a rant. I am sick of seeing people offer up stopping methadone for the ‘druggies’ as the way to save money for the government. Because these so called ‘druggies’ are the whole cause of this recession, right?!


For a start, I don’t much like the term ‘druggies’ being used for the people who are on the methadone programmes, most of which are trying to stop an addiction, they are trying to get better.

Having worked in a pharmacy, I worked closely with people who were trying to gain back there lives and I also worked closely with the real ‘druggies’ as we did a needle exchange scheme and the difference between the two were vast. I saw heavily pregnant women come in for needles, I saw fathers with there children also, these people are ‘druggies’ and they are doing nothing to help themselves get clean, they are the type of people whose actions will eventually lead to their demise.

And you won’t even notice.

But the people who are on Methadone or Subutex are, mostly, trying to get it back together. They all have their own stories, they were not all simply doing nothing but taking drugs and living off the state. Some had it for pain killer addiction after a bad accident, they didn’t ask to be there. 

Neither did the ones who got in with the wrong crowd, maybe they never knew any different back then? 

I got to know these people, I listened and had real conversations with them. They were like any other person with an illness, they just wanted help, support and guidance.

So when I see a silly comment about how we should scrap “giving them methadone” as a way to save money, it makes my blood boil.

Many pay for there prescriptions anyway.

Most have jobs, or are trying hard to get one. Just like they are trying to get back into society and lead normal lives. Some will be tarnished forever with the methadone label, the one that sees they get nothing but judgement. But at least they are trying.

We all make mistakes, right?!

So please, before blaming people who had addictions, think again.

Besides, a bottle of methadone costs something like 75p,  I am sure a lung transplant for a heavy smoker costs way more than that. But we don’t sit and berate them do we?!


Today Was A Long One

So today was number two tysabri. I wrote last week about my bloody cold sore, which could have caused them say no and turn me away for the nice drugs (hey drugs is all I have) BUT I put cream on over 10 times a day, no joke, and it went away!

So I was okay to have the nice, nice drugs.

They always do your stats first, blood pressure, temp etc. And guess what, my pulse was sky high. Firstly, Gloucester Royal is a maze, its literally like being a hamster. So after navigating my way to the ward, I was not surprised. However it didn’t go down after resting so I had to have an ECG.

I was asked to undo my bra (remember this part) had those sticky things everywhere, the lady counted stuff on paper shook her head and took it to the doctors. I walked back to the room where all the people with MS sit, in a row, with tea. 

No joke.

I explained how I had coffee and a pint of coke with my breakfast. Now I know your probably gawping BUT I was at Frankie and Bennys and the lady had told me to inflate my veins with liquid and as it was mid-morning, they were my liquids of choice.

The doctor said the Tysabri would bring down my pulse anyway and it may be that my body was not keen on the caffeine. Or so much caffeine at once. Who knows?!

Anyway que cannulating which meant stabbing at my hidden veins. It was also at this point I realised I had six boobs. I had forgotten to do my nice bra up, which meant my boobs had dropped beneath the bra, I have had two kids that’s my excuse, and the bra was making a bid for freedom, so I had to ask Hubby to do it up. My MS brain does not cope with doing it up behind.

I am a do it up then put it on like a jumper bra person. Not someone who puts it on and magically puts there arms behind there backs and clips it, neither am I a do it up then turn it round person. Its over the head for me. 

Anyway, they got a vein the first time, I had some blood taken and started on the lovely nice drugs. 

All went well after all that kerfuffle. However I was monitored the whole time because of my high pulse, I think this may happen everytime now?

I ended up spending all day, in a dreary room with a tube in my arm. It was a long day.

How was your day and what kind of bra person are you?!


I Have Made My Choice

So today I made my final choice on my whole treatment thing, when I say final I mean for now, obviously.

I needed to think of everything, the kids, hubby and myself. I having been going back and forth for ages, with the endless what ifs. Now I have finally made up my mind.

I am going to stop my Tysabri infusions and start on the daily injections, copaxone. 

Now for anyone with MS, they will think I am mad, I have been offered steak and I am taking burger. I am trading in my posh car for an average banger. However factoring in every part of my life and every emotion I have has brought me to this.

I need a break from hospitals, Tysabri needs someone who can commit (wow it took me ages to find that word in my messed up brain) I am not ready. I know I will have to face it daily, however it comes with so many less appointments and check ups, it will give me time to deal with myself, to get into the right mindset for tysabri. An option which I will always have. 

I am not saying never for this incredible drug, its simply just not the right time.

I can stay at home with the girls and I can start to try and move on with the MS, I can find the real strength to fight.

My mind is mush and I need to put myself back together. 

One amazing lady told me ‘its called the present because every day is a gift’ Now I am not soppy, however these words have stuck with me.

So, please feel free to join in this next chapter.