So with the Christmas season fast approaching, I am filled with with a very painful fear. Not because of shopping, I have done that, well for the girls at least. No its a very familiar feeling, from last Christmas.
Last Christmas was the start of a very hard diagnosis, papers got lost so two days before I was having a private MRI, then two days after I was getting results, this was all happening in Christmas week. I was also heavily pregnant and wondering how she was going to get here safely, an emergency section was also on the list, had it of been one of the other many things going on in my brain.
I remember lying on the sofa at my Mum’s on Christmas morning, no joy, just fear and guilt. Guilt for not enjoying my favourite holiday. The pain and unknown was horrid and I can still feel those feelings today, it gives me that weird throat lump.
With that time fast approaching I cannot help but feel this way. On the list of things it could have been, MS was my biggest fear. However it is to be my future.
I don’t want to bring a downer on this family Christmas, as last year they were all treading on eggshells around me.
Being told to snap out of it, simply won’t work.
My biggest fear came true and even as I type, even just talking about last year and the year gone by is making me well up.
How do I enjoy it? It now comes with the feeling of grief and despair.
I feel awful.