The Christmas Nightmare…

So with the Christmas season fast approaching, I am filled with with a very painful fear. Not because of shopping, I have done that, well for the girls at least. No its a very familiar feeling, from last Christmas.

Last Christmas was the start of a very hard diagnosis, papers got lost so two days before I was having a private MRI, then two days after I was getting results, this was all happening in Christmas week. I was also heavily pregnant and wondering how she was going to get here safely, an emergency section was also on the list, had it of been one of the other many things going on in my brain.

I remember lying on the sofa at my Mum’s on Christmas morning, no joy, just fear and guilt. Guilt for not enjoying my favourite holiday. The pain and unknown was horrid and I can still feel those feelings today, it gives me that weird throat lump.

With that time fast approaching I cannot help but feel this way. On the list of things it could have been, MS was my biggest fear. However it is to be my future. 

I don’t want to bring a downer on this family Christmas, as last year they were all treading on eggshells around me.

Being told to snap out of it, simply won’t work.

My biggest fear came true and even as I type, even just talking about last year and the year gone by is making me well up.

How do I enjoy it? It now comes with the feeling of grief and despair.

I feel awful.

Marriage Woes

Now don’t get me wrong I love my husband greatly, he really is the other part of me, I guess its marriage itself that is the hard part.

With the added stress of me having MS, like any other married couple we argue and as I am so, well let say fiery and he tends to use the ‘I’m not saying a word’ approach, arguments often escalate for no reason.

Although I hate arguing and believe me I do, having a massive blow out can often clear the air, kind of like a thunder storm on a hot muggy day.

Sometimes without it things will often bubble under the surface, personally I find this more unhealthy than a good argument. It does make me wonder though, how many arguments are normal? None? Several? Loads?

I am finding that MS puts a huge stress on us as a couple, I find myself being jealous or couples with normal lives, but then I suppose everyone has there issues, I guess ours are just very raw and new for us both.

Talking of MS, I have had a few bad days recently. Got a bad back, which does nothing but make me angry, also vertigo? What is with vertigo? It really does remind me of being a child and spending too long on a roundabout.

Back to the topic at hand, marriage, it may have to be one of the best, worst, fun, challenging things I have ever done. I don’t think anyone really has a happy ever after.

Although Hubby drives me insane and makes me cry, shout and be vile, I still love him, in-fact I still find myself loving him more and more everyday.

I just hope he is as determined as me to do this together, as a family.

What next?

I am going to be honest, yesterday was a hard day. I shouted, I cried and to be honest I felt and still feel lost.
Needless to say I am not the only one who suffers with my MS. My family do too. More recently however my husband has become, well, distant. I seem to always make him feel down and angry. He holds this constant blank expression.
I won’t lie, I hate this expression. Part of me finds this expression selfish. We both have problems with depression, but I try that extra amount to not let mine show too much, I have two children and I want to protect them from it, I don’t want to let them see or feel any of it. Although I know they do. 
I know Hubby finds it harder to hide the way he feels, I guess I don’t understand why, I don’t see what is so bad for him. Until yesterday.
My sister reminded me that it was no fun to watch your wife change and go through all these things. That the not knowing effects him just as much as me. I guess I didn’t think about it like that. I guess because I am living it, I don’t always see that other people are too.
We had a massive argument which resulted in everyone in tears. I simply felt horrible and drained, I felt like as well as everything else I need help with, this is just another burden on the people I love most.
I have been secretly cancelling appointments because I hate having to ask Hubby to get the time off, as it makes him stress which makes us argue which leads to tears. I know I have my sister to help, but there are some which don’t fall on her working days. Sometimes for some appointments I would like Hubby there with me.
After rowing and crying and shouting we have today finally got to sit down and talk. Although right now I don’t feel like we have sorted everything, I do feel a little better. I guess the fact my MS won’t go away, it will always be here makes me frightened Hubby will get tired of it all, like myself, and leave. After all he can walk away from it. I however will always have this monster sitting on my shoulders. 
Don’t get me wrong I know he loves me and I pray, probably won’t leave, the thought still taunts me everyday. 
MS is as much an emotional thing, as it is a physical thing. I need to remember this and also that it affects everyone involved in my life, not just me. I have decided I am going to ask my nurse for a sit down with Hubby, so we can talk it all through together, to understand a bit more about the unknown, as odd as it sounds, I hope it will help. It has to help. 
So this is where we as a family currently stand. I guess you could say we are now all a little bit lost.