So Here Starts Six Weeks Of Something?

Pops finished playgroup on Friday, so here is the start of the six weeks holidays. Once upon a time, I would have been filled with excitement, however now its fear and a strange need for ear plugs. 

Add to that he fact she starts school soon, which means she needs to start grasping the whole idea of school and still has a couple of life lessons to learn before, in my eyes, she will be ready. Both of these things are giving me a headache.

It might be the heat I suppose.

Hey, maybe the heat is the reason why they keep attacking each other on the sly?! No?! Oh……..

Throw into this messy mixing bowl, some extremely inconsiderate boy, who owns a moped and has added something to make it SO LOUD it keeps me awake whilst he drives up and down our street revving every single bloody night, means I am one tired, sweaty, fractious mother.

A mother who has to find a way to explain how to wipe your own bum after a poop. There is no easy to understand way to this, I have tried, hell, even my Sister has tried and it always ends with there being more on her hands than the paper.

Then its how to get a top off without getting lost whilst doing so. And remembering to keep the ticket at the back when putting on pants, trousers, tops, t-shirts etc. It might be okay to make the turn whooopsy at home, but people will notice at school. Its a public place. 

Then there is six whole weeks of fighting, screaming, paddy having and me hiding in the corner. Not to mention we are having a whole new kitchen fitted next week. Oh the mess.

If I go missing, check under the bed. Its dark there. 

Multiple Sclerosis #2

Dear MS,

It has not been long since we last spoke. However I felt the need to write you. I have been blocking you out, forgetting and carrying on, now I am afraid, afraid because I have to face you.

I have to face the fact that you are here and never going away. Soon I start treatment, a fist class treatment so I am told. This alone means I have no choice but to face you, hence why am I writing to you, to let out my pain and frustration.

The treatment is the best out, it may not make you go away but it will keep you at bay that little bit longer. I am sure you will find a way of getting through here and there, but this is the only way we can live together.

It will not fix the damage you have already done, which you have now don to both my eyes. My ophthalmologist had never seen it in both eyes before, just proves what a vicious bastard you are.

This treatment is a danger in itself. I could die. Yes MS its that fucking serious, but I will do whatever it takes to stop this rampage you are on, maybe calm you down to a quite jog.

I will try my best and give this treatment a good go. If this doesn’t work then it will be just you and me again, in a fight to the finish.

For now MS I will say goodbye.

Good luck, may the best lady win!

Until next time MS.

Attack of the Sisters!

With the nights drawing in the fact that I will be stuck inside with the two girls is just plain frightening, I wont lie.

Pop’s has some sort of vendetta against her sister I swear, she will not share a thing, to her Beboo is always sweaty (dribble) So how will I stem the arguments once shut inside with two head strong girls?

Pop’s only ever has a little bit of time for her sister, after that he wants nothing to do with her, she ruins everything apparently. I have no idea where these feelings have come from, I try my best to make things fair and to share my attention equally, but sometimes it is so hard to get it right.

Beboo will be venturing into the movement stage soon, I feel this will just create more issues between them.

I can honestly say I did not think the sibling rivalry would start for some time, but it is well and truly under way.

How will I survive the winter?

Any tips? A cage maybe?  Too extreme?

Multiple Sclerosis

Dear MS,

Although you have only been in my life 8 months, you have already made your presence very known, MS the way I feel about you has no words. I cannot except you, I also cannot stop you from eating away at my existence.

I find myself locked away in my house, isolated and alone. I have support, but I am the only one who is there when the lights go out, its never ‘goodnight’ its always ‘please not tonight’

You have already taken some of my vision, I know inside you are not done, but please, let me watch my girls grow before you take the rest.

You decide who I am and who I will become, I know after reading about treatment, when it comes down to it, nothing will really stop you. You are my life sentence. Its not a love hate thing, it is pure unadulterated hatred.

I read stories about how disabling you are and it turns my stomach, to know that one day I will be a bigger mess than I am now.

The pain I feel in my body is due to you, the saking I experience is you, the vision loss is you, me being so different to others is because of you, my depression is you, I will now always be defined by you.

I am simply becoming a stranger in my own life. I am sick to death of being tired, I am tired of you, I am tired of the pain and I am tired of always being so very tired.

We have no choice but to do this together, I know one day my body will be ruled by you and you alone, but for now I am still me, I will try and be the mother and wife I know I need to be.

I will not fight, as I know you will win, I will just keep on trying and showing I am still in here somewhere.

So MS, you are the by far the most unwanted and scariest thing I could have imagined in my life.

You may not kill me but you will contribute in some way I am sure.

It is not over yet, until next time.

Regards

When?

When will it end?

When will I stop feeling so crap everyday?

When will the fighting stop?

When it is time to say enough is enough?

Why do the people you love the most make you hate yourself more than you already do?

How is it okay for someone you love to make you feel so alone ad isolated.

Why can’t I seem to cut a break?

Does he think I want this? Or asked for this to happen?

I fight daily with my emotions of my MS, mostly bad, mostly hurtful and painful.

Something like this affects every little part of you and your life.

Is it okay to feel so worthless?

The girls are the only reason I smile, the only reason I carry on fighting so hard.

Lets face it, i’ll never be the old version of me again I am finding it so hard finding the new one too.