This week started with my usual 28 day infusion. I went in happy, albeit cold, but happy nonetheless.
But I left reeling. I sat for hours with tears in my eyes, silent.
I left feeling like all my hard work was for nothing. I left my confidence behind, because I was so, so damn confident that I was fine. Because I had done everything that had been asked of me.
I had been positive, living and loving every minute of life. But now I am finding it so hard to get that positivity back. To push myself to ignore it.
Later I went to my Mums. Where I ran straight into her arms and sobbed. She held me fo ages. Because being in the arms of my Mother, is all I wanted.
I spent the rest of the week escaping in London with Steph. I was away from reality, free to be someone else. But by the end it, the tears and fear had once again caught up with me. They found me.
And I cried.
I cried down the phone to Hubby and I cried on poor Steph.
So in the end, I spent far too much of this week crying.
I spent even more time asking myself why. Why me? Why now? Why that?
Granted I had been forgetting. Silly things like conversations, questions and often mid sentence.
But I didn’t expect to be told I have inflamation in the part of my brain that is my memory.
I don’t want to forget. Anything. I want to see, feel, hear and remeber every one of those things, because everyone else can.
Now I have to take a million more photos, write everything down and take in that extra second of everything. As to try and remember. Try and hold on to every memory I have or will have.
Now I await to hear from my referal for more tests.
So I will use my blog for my memories, of past and present. Then they will be there forever, I might not be able to imprint it on my mind forever, but I will leave the imprint on the internet.
Where I can find it.