Letting Go Too Quickly…

Last night I was looking through the gallery on Hubby’s phone. There was a photo of me and Beboo in bed when she was teeny tiny, this photo bothered me, it re-enforced the fact that she will be my last.

Her teeny arms and legs, her sleepy expression whilst cuddled up in my arms. I have grown used to the fact the Pop’s is growing up, I am enjoying every day, as she really does make me so proud, even when she is a madam. I have blogged in so of my past posts about my MS making it too difficult and unsafe to have more babies. I have no say in it really, which as a mummy of two lovely little girls, is really hard.

I find myself welling up at the thought of never being pregnant again (although my pregnancies are rough) and never giving birth again. Most people get the choice, not me. I know how lcky I am to have two already, some people don’t even have that, but sometimes that makes it worse as I know what I am missing.

Seeing these photos brought a tear to my eye and have stuck with me all day. I feel its so unfair that My Monster has once again, decided which way my life goes.

I will be sure to enjoy everyday I have with my girls, even through the shitty nappies and tantrums.

For all the ladies out the with choices etc, I envy you greatly.

Here is some photos of Beboo and Mummy.

And So, It Begins!

So recently it has been pretty quiet on the appointment front, partly due to me cancelling. Now I am letting them flood in again and vow to attend them all.

A week today is my next MRI scan. I am unsure of how I really feel about it. Part of me is scared, its loud, lonely and uncomfortable. Part of me is anxious, as I really want the results, but what will they be? Will they show enough change to warrant having daily meds? I sure feel alot different. If it does show change then I start a new chapter and a whole new load of side effects. If it doesn’t show the changes then I am stuck in the unknown, waiting for  another attack.

I have been waiting for this day for ages, it was left so long due to the steroids I had. Enough time needed to pass for the steroids not to mask the new activity. Now its so close I am wanting it less and less. 

The incontinence nurse is coming friday, i’m not incontinent just yet, but she will be scanning my bladder to see how she can help me and my stupid brain.

I got my disabled badge for the car today. I waited ages but it has come at last. This will make trips out much easier on me. 

Hubby and I are getting on alot better. Still have a few issues. I can’t help but feel uneasy sometimes, compared even. I am not the active person I once was, I don’t look the same and I cannot do the things I used to do. I am petrified he will leave me for someone else. Can’t be easy being married to someone like me. 

Well that’s my update, all comments welcome, thank you for reading, this is what keeps me going. Well this and my girls. 

Baby Blues

Why do they have to grow up so fast? I know people say it all the time but it feels like I brought Pop’s home just yesterday, now she is three. Since have Beboo, I am so much more relaxed parenting wise. I don’t worry or fuss half as much. 

Beboo is now 6 months old, I just feel like she is growing up way too fast. I can’t stop it no matter how hard I try, it is depressing.

People around me, on-line and at home are having more babies, as happy as I am for these lovely ladies I cant help become quite jealous. Beboo will be our last, although being pregnant helps protect against new MS attacks, it did make my existing symptoms worse. Also post pregnancy you at a higher risk or relapsing. So this, coupled with my body already being completely unreliable, means no more babies here. This really does make me incredibly sad. For now I will just enjoy the girls and hope time passes slowly for a change.

I will leave you with my babies 🙂

Beboo Just born.
Beboo now
Pops a day old 🙂
Pops now

Share your then and now 🙂