Letting Go Too Quickly…

Last night I was looking through the gallery on Hubby’s phone. There was a photo of me and Beboo in bed when she was teeny tiny, this photo bothered me, it re-enforced the fact that she will be my last.

Her teeny arms and legs, her sleepy expression whilst cuddled up in my arms. I have grown used to the fact the Pop’s is growing up, I am enjoying every day, as she really does make me so proud, even when she is a madam. I have blogged in so of my past posts about my MS making it too difficult and unsafe to have more babies. I have no say in it really, which as a mummy of two lovely little girls, is really hard.

I find myself welling up at the thought of never being pregnant again (although my pregnancies are rough) and never giving birth again. Most people get the choice, not me. I know how lcky I am to have two already, some people don’t even have that, but sometimes that makes it worse as I know what I am missing.

Seeing these photos brought a tear to my eye and have stuck with me all day. I feel its so unfair that My Monster has once again, decided which way my life goes.

I will be sure to enjoy everyday I have with my girls, even through the shitty nappies and tantrums.

For all the ladies out the with choices etc, I envy you greatly.

Here is some photos of Beboo and Mummy.

Beboo’s Birth

I’ve decided to write my second birth story, my first has become very blurred with all the things going on at the moment, so here it goes…
I planned to have a home birth, I even brought the pool so I was all ready, then I got the dreaded diagnosis and it all changed.
I was induced at 38+5 weeks because I needed to have my first course of steriods and I wasnt happy to put Beboo through anything else as she had already been there through my MRI, Lumbar puncture and VEP test.
Early in the morning on the 20th of february I went into the hospital to start the induction process. Now I no my frist birth was 52 hours so I held no hope for a quick labour this time either! I had all the usual tests and was already 2cm, so quite pleased. The pessary was insterted and me and hubby were left to play, which we probably shouldnt have done but like the children we are we couldnt resist having a laugh and a joke!
Quote ‘to prove i was here!’
not a good look for me

About 20 minutes later I was having contractions and paranoid the midwife wouldnt believe me as it seemed to quick! But she did and I was soon in the bath growling at hubby to ‘RUB MY BACK’ I may have said this about 1000 times! I had the usual paracetamol but nothing was working, I had never felt pain like this and my first daughter got stuck! My midwife informed me that being induced does tend to hurt more which is just what I wanted to hear! She gave me a choice to carry on with the pessary or remove it have the epidural and start the pitocin drip, I kindly screamed id like the epidural and even though I was only still 2cm I was able to have it as the stress was affecting my sight.
It took the lovely ladies 5 attempts to get the epidural in, I was asked to tell them when I felt a pain in my right leg and as I was not allowed to move and my head was burried in a pillow I kindly shreaked ‘I can feel it now’ needless to say I got told off for shouting, but to be fair my face was pushed into a pillow so they could barely hear me anyway!
Soon I felt much better and the giggles soon began again! I was button happy with my epi! But im not afraid to say if I did it again I would certainly have an epidural!
Four hours soon past and I have my first check since the pitocin began, I expected 4cm but no, I was 10! yes a full 10! I did not believe her at all I was in complete denial as I felt fine!!! She said we will wait an hour then the pushing will begin! It was the quickest hour of my life, all the time I kept repeating that she must be wrong! Soon the hour passed hubby set up the ipod and it was the perfect atmosphere. It took only 6 pushes then my little miricle baby, Beboo, was here! I was so happy, the consultant who has been in close contact with my neurologist came in and she was so amazing I thanked her and cried like a baby!
The emotional whirlwind soon came crashing down as I strated to bleed heavily! After about 10 injections and lots of vomiting and people pushing my tummy they finally got the bleeding to stop. All in all I lost 900mls of blood and was 100mls off a transfusion! Phew!

I was determined to breast feed this one, as with the first I was young and clueless so I didnt even try! Beboo has a great latch and went straight on! I was so pleased! I spent that night feeding and sleeping, well trying, hubby was allowed to stay as he is my carer and his snoring was vile! Even for him! It wasnt until about 1am when I started to panic that my sight had gone, I couldnt see a thing! I was so worried I would never get it back and all the stress had caused my already rubbish eyes to pack up all together! A doctor was called but there wasnt much they could do as all my neurology care was at a different hospital! I was told to stay calm and try and sleep! So I did and by 6am my sight had returned to what I call normal.
Later that day we went home, I was allowed a quick discharge to continue my care at home due to my care needs. I was only able to brestfeed for a few days because of all the medication I had to start taking, but I loved every minute and I wish I could have carried on, but I no I did what I could.
Shes now 4 months and is amazing! She likes to be doing in the day but thats ok! I dont think I will have anymore as I no your protected from attacks during pregnancy, its just the effect it has on your already there symptoms and the afterwards bit! Im so glad my final birth story was a good one! She weighed 6lb 12ozs and was born at 6.30pm.

End of one story, start of a new one x