I have been called inspirational, brave, a warrior and strong, I am none of those things.
I don’t see it how they do, I see it from the inside looking out.
It makes me feel like a fraud.
Truth is, I don’t deal with things well at all, I have pushed the disease to the back of my mind, secretly hoping its not happening.
I would happily trade with someone who has a curable illness, even the nasty ones, how selfish is that?
I envy those people, I envy them because they have the chance to be normal again, to be better, I don’t really have that chance. You might say with certain treatments I do, but I don’t see it like that.
I see some of these treatments as a mask, especially the new ones, no-one knows what the long term effects are, for those few years of feeling well, no-one knows the shelf life, or what happens when you have to stop. When the time comes to take that mask of, you are simply the same person you were before, ruled by a disease that makes each day more painful and tiring than the last.
That’s our future, that’s what I have to look forward to?!
It makes me want to not bother, stop the trying and become that person I am destined to be.
You see, sometimes even warriors need to cry, they need to doubt and they need to stop coping, just for a while…