I Just Can’t Think

I have been keeping a few things inside, mainly because I don’t really know how to deal with them effectively.

I am really struggling inside. Confusion and lost words seem to keep me in silence. Deadlocked in nothing.  

Ever since I have started my treatment, I haven’t been able to write, well not like I used to anyway. I used to be able to fill my post with emotion and honesty, something I always prided myself on.

Now I am lost.

Now my brain has nothing to say. Its heavy and when I try to recall a memory, feeling, emotion or event I have nothing. I can’t remember what I wanted to say. And when I can, I just cannot find the words to say it.

I loose myself in mid conversation.

I feel like part of my brain has been cut off, the thinking part. The part that has something to say, something with substance. 

I feel well, I even look well. But my brain is not the same. I feel different, lost and at a loose end.

I don’t really feel anything there anymore.

Its like all I have is the ability to function, to get by. 

I don’t like it.

I hate it. Its overpowering me and my emotions. My thoughts and the stories in my head, sometimes finding the next word can be hard.

It’s okay when I’m home. They understand the silence, but more recently it has happened when I was out with strangers, and it leaves me feeling sad, embarrassed and extremely flustered.

I have no idea what to do.

#Blogging4Madeleine Happy Birthday Lovely

So today is Madeleine McCann’s 10th birthday, the beautiful little girl who went missing whilst on holiday in Praia da Luz, Portugal in May 2007.

I cannot begin to imagine loosing either of my girls. My heart skips a beat when Pops is walking by the side of me and she suddenly jumps out of my eye-line, I am suddenly filled with fear only for her to be back seconds later.

The thought of not knowing where my child is, who she has become and whether or not he even remembers who I am. To go to bed every night with only questions. No answers.

So when the lovely Caroline from A Mummy’s View asked for support, I was more than happy to sign up!



Here is a photo of what Madeleine could look like now. Please remember, if you think you have seen her to ring your local police station immediately AND

  • +44 845 838 4699 or investigation@findmadeleine.com

  • OR Crimestoppers in confidence on 0800 555111 or www.crimestoppers-uk.org

Lets try and bring her home.

Do You Ever Question Why?

I often wonder if I am alone in the whole questioning myself and why I was dealt this hand, my confusion and sadness has turned into an empty anger, so hard to understand, even for me. 

I look in the mirror and wonder why, why I am still here looking back at myself and what the hell is keeping me going?

Some might say all I need is my children, they should be enough and don’t get me wrong, they are my world. However they cannot make this stop, no matter how many smiles and cuddles I get. I also feel like a huge burden on them.

Right now I can happily live off my five day treatment, sitting and waiting for that massive low.

Although some people tell me I ‘inspire’  them, I really do not feel that way. I have become the person who makes the crude jokes, the one who does not think twice about what she is about to say and someone who finds herself caring less and less each day. 

Normal people talk about children and lack of sleep, I find myself leaning towards the people who talk about lumbar punctures and the loneliness of it all. People who understand even just a tiny bit how I feel.

A place where the phrase ” I’m tired” is not a pathetic excuse. Its real and its debilitating. 

I guess it gets me most when I have just done the housework, or attempted one third of it and I am exhausted. I have to rest, however my refusal to nap is becoming somewhat of a problem.

I hate sleeping the day away.

Sorry for the empty rant.

Ever Feel Like Pressing Pause, Stopping…

Do you ever feel like stopping time and everything that is going on around you?  Like your walking slowly whilst the whole world runs rings around you?

Today, that is just how I feel and I am not even sure why…

I feel a little lost, again, no real idea why.

I hate feeling so shitty, especially when I have no reason to be. I know the mixture of drugs I take on a daily basis are not helping, add to that the Copaxone, which causes the depression to deepen, makes for a pretty nasty cocktail. 

Not really sure if it means, all I know is that one the inside, I feel like I am drowning and have no answers. 

Hubby has been off this week, which of course called for the family to get a really vile cold, always fun!

Tomorrow is the girls birthday party, many children and people I haven’t seen for a while, also a family member that has not even bothered to come and meet Beboo yet, if you can afford to get overly drunk every weekend, you can afford to get on the train and come 20 odd miles. 

Today was a day of cake making with the sister, without whom I would not be able to give the girls this party. She is amazing.

I want to write something witty and deep, but right now, I feel so shockingly odd, I just can’t quite find the words today, I think I will quit whilst I am ahead and call it day…

Feel free to await the post birthday party rant. 

PJ’s, Duvets And Jaffa Cakes

Do you ever feel, a little, well, lost? 

This last week I haven’t really felt like myself, not ill or anything sucky like that, just unsure and lost.

I have spent most of the week in the safety of my PJ’s, I know then no-one can make me go out then, I was far to unsavoury! I guess with the cold and snow and all that shit, I was probably better off inside?

I don’t really know what the hell is wrong with me, other than the fact I am totally useless and generally uninteresting. 

When you become a mum, suddenly you don’t really matter, the most important thing for you is those snotty little buggers. 

You make sure they are fed, watered, wiped and happy, then by the time you are done you have forgotten about looking after yourself, about eating right and brushing your hair, you know, all the luxuries! 

I guess I am just a little bit stuck? I have so much I want to do, I just have trouble making it all happen. 

Also I am really, REALLY sleepy at the moment, waiting on my copaxone, plus all the meds I take make me drowsy, so add that to the awful fatigue, makes a sleepy mummy!

I hope I can pull myself out of this slump…..