You dont define me

You dont define me. Tonight I have come to realise that my MS does not define me, but sometimes I find myself letting it define me without even realising it! I asked my self why I was letting something like this determin who and what I am.

What defines me is being a mother, my two wonderful children have made me who I am today. Im not afraid to say as I teen I was not popular, and I was very insecure, and that still follows me around today. I was a very jelious person and at one point this left me alone. They say leopards dont change there spots, but I can safely say I have. Im now much less fussed by other peoples thoughts about me, I no who I am and I no im happy in the life I lead. People who know me and judge me for my past and my mistakes etc, need to look at themselves before judging another. If having MS has taught me one thing it is to take nothing at face value. You have no idea the fight someone is having inside there skin.

Being a wife also defines me, it has taught me to love and share and listen. Until recently I hated hubby going out and things but now it doesnt bother me so much, he comes home to me and were learning to trust a great deal more. Although I would like to come along sometimes but thats simply to meet new people and show them there is a face behind the MS.
My whole family and lifestyle is what makes me who I am from my mum to my dad, my sister to my brother, mother in law to sister in law they all make me who I am and have shown me that endless love and support is out there and I should not be afraid to ask for help.

I feel maybe I could be moving on from sadness, maybe all that has gone on, I am starting to accept, as I have all the support behind me I need to go on and face this monster. I no I will have my down days and I no I will still struggle. Ill cry those unstopable tears but I will remember to live everyday as it comes and to smile when im feeling it most, a smile goes along way. 

My monster

How I see my monster? Its something I often think about. I mean it isn’t like MS is a bug or a parasite, its not a living entity. It kind of just is?
The way I feel about it is my body is essentially at war with itself, its attacking all the thing I personally find useful, like my sight and ability to walk without the aid of a stick. I picture my monster to be sat in some deep dark corner of my mind slowly taking control. I don’t intend to give up on myself, I do intend to feel sorry for myself at times when I deserve to! I find the more I fight the more it seems to take control, but everyone says ‘your strong’ but am I? Only hubby really seeing how much it affects me physically and emotionally, I have pushed a lot of friends away.

I guess for years I did seem lazy and like I was simply uninterested but I just wasn’t able. I let people get the better of my emotions and the depression that has become such a part of my life hit its peak. Thats one thing that people debate most, is depression there? Well yes it is! Like MS you arnt able to see it as such but you know its there and for whoever has it its very real. I no depression will be something I will always have to battle with as I don’t think ill ever feel 100% about it.

My monster effects my ability to parent like a normal mother. I cannot go out alone with my children and I cannot see if there is a car coming or not. I should really use my support stick more as when I walk some distance my left leg starts to buckle from beneath me, pop’s is always dobbing me into the support worker for falling over because I didn’t take my stick.

To a passes by I look completely normal, but if you were to step into my shoes for a day you would see just how much this monster is currently affecting me. Thing I didn’t really think of before Beboo was born, having to make bottles, I cannot do this as I cannot see the water level. Very recently my right eye has started to become blurred when I do any physical exercise! Which essentially means I cannot see a thing, so staying calm and quite is something I tend to do!

My monster has also recently presented me with tremors normally when im concentrating on something I have to do, which at times can be very awkward.

Family and friends have been a great support although my mum seems to blame herself? For what reason I don’t no, but im determined to show her I will do my best. I’m very much looking forward to my neurologist choosing a daily medication for me, as hopefully it will give me some relief. Although after reading some MS mummy blogs I see that even these bring with them side effects.