I made a video recently about my current choice to stop my treatment. You can view that here. Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE 😛
Anyway, I had my last IV, I am coming to the point I would be due back in for a top up in the coming weeks, I am coming to the point where I am comfortable with my choice.
Right now I can’t turn back without going back in to see my neuro, which is fine with me. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to wait. I am ready now.
One of the things that is becoming far clearer to me is that the longer you go without the tysabri, the more you feel again.
The more you can feel those emotions, the more you can enjoy those emotions, the more human you feel.
I have to say I have always noticed how little I could feel or think for myself. Without struggling to understand or deal with the feelings in a “normal” way.
I am not overwhelmed by feeling happy. I can laugh until I pee and I can really enjoy the laughter.
Something that I have been thinking about more and more is having a break from any treatment. So I would push it back until after the Christmas season. So I can feel the season. So I can enjoy the whole thing. The sounds and the smells. The kids, the fun and all the love of my family.
I want to feel again.
I want to start the new treatment, but I want to spend a few months feeling and living in every moment. Before I feel like I am just going through the motions because my body is full of a drug that has so much control.
I can’t explain it. I don’t understand it, but I know that I can feel it.
I understand that I will be back in that wheelchair. That I will need help to walk, but I know full well I will feel every single moment.
I guess I want to live side by side with my MS for a while. Before going back into a new treatment full of new feelings.