Being Brought Back Down With A Bump

I have been happy, relaxed, although with horrendous brain fog, I have been okay.

But today I went for my yearly MRI scan, and it hit me. I still have MS and it is still never going away.

I wasn’t in the horridly narrow and horrendously noisy scanner to see if I was free of this, to get the all clear, I was in there to see what had been going on in my brain this year, just like I will every other year.

The scanner runs through different programmes to agitate different parts of the brain, to capture different angles. Its the last one  I can’t stand. The silent then blast, silent then blast crashing away in my ears, the cage round my face and all I cant think is “this is me” I was lucky enough to have Hubby holding my legs, but even with him there, I still felt so alone.

It’s moments like this that remind you what you’re facing. All those worries in the early days rush back and suddenly my head is now filled with moving thoughts, none of which are nice or comforting, they just made me more desperate to get out.

I think the whole scan procedure is by far the worst thing people with MS have to medically undergo every 12 months. Give me a lumbar puncture any day compared to that.

Its simply horrid.

Lonely and far too thought provoking for me.

The last thing I need is to be ‘alone with my thoughts’

I already know this is here to stay, I don’t need to be sharply reminded of it every 12 months.

Home, Here We Come……

So next week, we are having a new kitchen fitted. The man who lived here before us refused the upgrade, so when we moved in we were quick to ask about it. Now come Monday, it’s happening and we are moving out for a couple of days, back home to my Mums.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my family, my Sister will be there also and we have become closer since she started helping me three days a week, however moving home, even for a few nights, scares me.

I lived there all my life so really it shouldn’t matter, but I am so used to having my own space and living as a family, it will be beyond odd for us.

And then comes my MS. Yes my amazing Sister looks after me and my parents are always there for me, but part of me worries about bringing this disease into there house. By that I mean the way we live. The way us as a family and my MS lives is different to any normal household.

Also every part of me likes to be comfortable, especially since my diagnosis. Familiarity is important to me and the crazy-ass monster in my mind.

I am very aware that I am bringing this into somewhere that isn’t used to it. We are a very close family, however unless you have lived through the good and the horrific of this damn disease, you don’t really understand it.

Getting up and pushing on it not always going to help, some people might think I need to ‘get on with it’ but that is so much easier said than done on a bad day. Bad days can sneak up and Hubby is getting used to noticing this and helping me through it.

Also, now my next treatment is just over a week away, I am really starting to feel it again. Literally counting down the days.

So, I am really hoping this next week goes smoothly and I have a nice kitchen at the end of it. I hope they still love me after four days!