Count Yourself Lucky!

Some posts you want to write, you sit umming and arrring about whether you should write it in the first place.

You wonder if it will offend people or cause upset, but part of really doesn’t care about that, its my blog and if your unhappy don’t read it. Simple.

Then there’s also that little saying, the truth hurts. 

See I recently heard something about a member of my family which not only left me dumbfounded, but really quite hurt.

They say love makes you do the strangest things, which is probably true, but at the same time, love should be about loving every tiny bit of who that person is. Not telling them what to wear, do or eat. That’s not love, that is control.

That is of course unless your partner is eating nothing but sweets, crisps and something vile like dripping on toast, this would be the only time it would be okay to maybe mention not eating so much of the previously mentioned food stuffs.

Anyway, this family member had decided that her and her slightly over bearing partner were so much in love, that they couldn’t possibly live another day together.

They had to try and commit suicide together, by jumping off an over pass.

Its been said that it would show the world just how much in love they are.

Personally, it would show me just how selfish they were to commit such an act. Love wouldn’t even come into it.

Firstly for two people in perfect health, with their whole lives in front of them, its just horrid. The amount of times I have lay in bed, in horrendous pain, unable to control my bladder the right amount and trying to understand why I am the one who had to have this disease to look over and see my pain killers and just want it all to be over.

Because it’s never going away. My little family will never get away from it, we will never get better.

But I don’t, because look at what I would leave behind. The futures, dreams and achievements of my family, extended or otherwise. I might not be the most able any more, I might rely on my husband more than I am comfortable with but I am still here. I still live every day with a smile, laugh and I take each opportunity I get sent.

So yes, maybe I do have a reason to end it all, but I also have a bloody good reason not to. 

And secondly, leaping off an overpass, will ruin someone else’s life forever. The poor unsuspecting driver below and their car full of children, would forever be ruined. 

Not to mention the fact one of you could live and the other die. Then how stupidly selfish would you feel?!

I’m sorry if you don’t like my words but count yourself lucky and like I said before. The truth hurts.

One Day Left, Feel Like I am Standing On The Edge

So no video, my battery ran out and I really cannot be arsed to wait for it to charge tonight! I have one day on steroids and I feel so low, like I am standing on the edge ready to jump.

If I hear ‘its because you are on steroids’ or ‘you will be fine’ OR EVEN ‘are you okay?’ one more time  I think I will scream. I am aware of why I am here and I am aware I will someday not be like this, but right now, its painful and I ache and I really cannot be bothered to reply to every text message.

I have no fuse left, every niggle just sends me off, my ears ringing and the relentless sound of the children needing me every five minutes when all I really want is to be on my own, for someone to take this all away.

Selfish? Probably, but right now I need to concentrate on me. I feel like I am going mad inside!

Everytime I aim for something more this stupid disease just comes along and knocks me down again. Which in turn puts me off everything else, like I just cannot be bothered. Like every time I want more I simply cannot have it.

I hate it and I hate the way I feel.

Every noise cuts me like a knife and all I want is to cry and be on my own.

Thats all today.

I Do This For Them

Some people might read my blog and wonder why I hate having choices , why I don’t just go with the ‘best’ or what they tell me to, not that they ever say “DO THIS” because they don’t, they tell me it’s  my choice, that it is up to me.

Some might say I should take one and do it, because I have to think of my children. But really, thinking of my children is what I do day in and day out. Why don’t I want the new top treatment? Because of the fact no-one knows what happens in the future, the shelf life or side effects. The future is where I am aiming to be, it is where my children will emotionally need me the most.

I don’t want to be the Mum who grew an elephants trunk because she took that risk. (That is for you Meg)

So to the people who read this and think ‘selfish’ need to read back and think again.

If I had MS before having my children, I am not sure I would of had children, heck I am not even sure I would even still be here. But I am and that is for them, I want to make the best choice for them, because if it was just me there would be no choices.

Being an MS’er as they call them is still very new to me. It is still really raw and not something I feel comfortable with. I admire people who are okay but I am not sure I will ever be the happy go lucky, dealt that hand kind of person,

It’s not in my nature. I am stubborn like my Grandmother. (That’s for my sister :P)

I am dealing with it in my own way, taking my time and learning as I go. Fighting with my body every single friggin day, all with a smile on my face and a crude joke on the end of my tongue.

Usually because if I am not smiling, least I can make someone else smile!

No I don’t find it easy and I certainly don’t find it easy to explain to someone. MS is hidden and so are many of my symptoms, but that does not make them any less real. Just more difficult to fight and almost impossible to explain.

I would find it much easier to be falling over all the time, least then people would know my body doesn’t work properly!

So please never assume these choices are selfish, because that could not be further from the truth!


Dare I?

Okay I am going to be a little controversial here, agree or disagree, let me know.

Yesterday I watched The Midwives, BBC2 on iplayer with my Sister.

It is about midwives working in a certain part of the UK, which part I forget, however every week they cover a different aspect of midwifery. This week it happened to be about people with complicated or ‘high risk’ pregnancies, due to health problems or multiple miscarriages etc.

I was looking forward to this as I ended up having a high risk pregnancy with Beboo due to being diagnosed with MS whilst pregnant.

It was very interesting to see these ladies at work and to realise just how many high risk cases they have to look after.

One of which was a lovely lady who had kidney problems, therefore had undergone a kidney transplant a few years back. Anyway she had one little daughter but had decided to have another. Knowing the risks due to her kidney problems, she decided to put her body through one of life’s most demanding things, pregnancy.

All was fine until she got uncontrollable itching, due to her liver. It got so bad at around 20 weeks she was hospitalized, the poor woman was a mess, no sleep and constant itching all over. It hit the point where she was seriously considering terminating the pregnancy. As well as feeling sorry for this poor woman I also felt she had been a little selfish. She knew there were massive risks involved with getting pregnant again however did it anyway. To cut a long story short, her new kidney ended up giving up under the strain, so she had to go on daily dialysis. They found a medication that helped her itching and she made it past 30 weeks. Her lovely baby was born and is doing fine, she will need a new kidney but is not longer needing dialysis so often.

I understand the want to have another baby. I know she was willing to tae the risks to bring a new baby into the world, however noble this is, had she of died there would have been on little girl without a mum and if the baby survived and she hadn’t, two little girls without mummies. I cannot help but find that thought slightly selfish.

Having MS has given me no real option but to not have any more children. I know neurologists say its okay because pregnancy can stop a new attack, your existing MS symptoms often worsen. I know mine did. I was in and out of hospital and constantly away from my first daughter which I hated. Also I know the 6 month period after giving birth, MS sufferers have a very high chance of relapse. For these reasons I feel it would not be fair on my husband, girls and/or a new child in the family. So pregnancy really is a no go area for me.

It hurts to think of never having more children as my girls are incredible. There needs however, come before mine. I would much rather be here and be my version of okay, than poorly and in and out of hospital.

I know it turned out okay for her, but it could have been so-so different. Also she is now probably paying the price for it, in a way I admire her, but also I feel it was a selfish thing to do, especially as she had already been given a new kidney only to need another 5-6 years later.

What would you do if you were in her shoes?

Selfish or not?