Why I Stopped Writing

This blog has been pretty quiet for some time.

As far as personal posts go.

And I don’t have any real explanations for this because I just don’t know.

I lost my voice. For so many reasons.

I wanted to shut the computer and forget I had put my life out online.

I went to memory classes to try and get my voice back.

Nothing.

I didn’t feel it, I couldn’t feel it. 

As far as my MS goes, it’s a lot slower with my Tysabri. But it is still progressing more. Slowly taking little things without me even noticing.

I felt like no one cared what I had to say.

Who am I anyway?

Who am I so sit and type out my life online?

I’m boring.

Then I worried about my content.

I have multiple sclerosis. And I am not shy about it. I want to talk about it.

Not for sympathy.

Not for people to feel sorry for me, I hate that.

But for the people like me, who feel alone. Who feel like they are abnormal.

Scared.

Frustrated.

Fearful.

I started this to help people like me. People who have a future but have no idea how it will pan out.

We can’t make plans, we can’t have dreams.

Both of these are normally dashed at the last minute.

So we live day to day.

We sit quietly and get on with the pain. Desperate to know we are not alone. 

I started this to make more people aware of MS and what it’s like to live a life with a degenerative disease.

It might not be glamorous.

It’s certainly not easy, but normal people, people like you, need to know.

You might have a friend with MS who is perfectly fine. And that is fabulous. But for most that is not reality.

We might tell you we are fine. But that is because we don’t want to bore you with todays list of symptoms.

Or a new fear that has resurfaced.

We just carry on.

I stopped writing through fear.

Fear of the disease.

Fear of people thinking I want sympathy.

Fear of people judging me

Fear of people just not caring.

Fear of waking up tomorrow having not made the most of yesterday.

But I can’t live in fear anymore.

I want to write.

I want to vlog.

I want to document our lives so my kids can read back and see I loved them. See what I was going through when I was singing nursery rhymes or playing tag.

To give them strength and hope.

I need to stand up and stop living in fear. I need to live for the now.

So if I should wake up tomorrow with the loss of my legs or arms, I can know I lived the hell out of the life I was given.

So there you have it…

miss

Putting The World To Rights

I have started my quest to put things in my life right, a few weeks/days (I get muddled) ago I wrote about how I had lied to my MS about taking my injections. After getting fairly teary one evening I decided I really had no choice but to tell her.

So I did.

I am really not quite sure what I was expecting, she is the kindest person I have ever met, nothing is ever too much trouble. Needless to say, this was no different. She was kind and made me feel so much less like a fraud than I was already feeling, now I have stopped them altogether as per her instructions and I will be having a meeting with my neuro to discuss it further.

The sting that comes with them is almost a 10 minute long burning contraction, concentrated in one place. Seriously, I have had two of them, I know that feeling. In certain sites on my body it really is a hellish pain, one I simply don’t want or need.

Also recently I have been attending some events, from the baby show to plum play, it has been so much fun and I have really enjoyed meeting so many new people, pulling my finger out of my arse was something I needed to do. Why should I let some insignificant person dictate my life to me?!

That’s another thing, the blogging world is full of so many different people, most of which are insanely nice, however some I have noticed are a little like school children. People have actually blocked me because of someone else?! Really?! I did not realise we were still in school and had nothing better to do than run around doing the he said she said crap.

I refuse to let anyone else hold me back now. I started my blog for me, then it became for others too and now it has become a way I can give back in a tiny way to my family, I have found a love of writing and I intend to run with it. I have met far too many amazing people to stop now and any negativity seems to push me further. 

I might as well do something constructive with the time I have to spend resting, I have been dealt a shitty hand in life as far as the MS goes, so I really have no choice but to make the most of it and make people more aware of this bastard disease.