So, I see plenty of new women thinking, talking about or actually being pregnant. Part of me wonders if they really, truly know where this journey may or may not take them, so I am writing this post for you.
To help you out.
Firstly, if you are thinking about whether to start a family, here are a few things you could try or simply stay away from completely.
Never and I repeat never do a trail run with someone else’s children, or use them as an example as to what could be. Other people’s children are completely not the same and never will be. Their sticky faces will never be the cute kind, and their shit will smell just like it states. Shit. When you have your own, then that is the only point when it becomes okay to be covered in someone else’s poo or wee, that is the only time it is socially acceptable. And its the only time you won’t mind.
Next, if you want a ‘likeness’ get a puppy. If you find yourself suffering with the night waking and endless clearing up, then its probably not the right time. Plus you always have the ‘pets for sale in’ pages on facebook or other online selling pages as a get out clause. They don’t have those for children.
Next is pregnancy, now this will seem like a long jaunt, but it is not. Make the most of the peace and try your utmost to exploit it to the best of your ability, it is the only time your partner will offer to be your footrest for the evening without moaning.
Right, now comes the literature. It will give you some guidance on what you will need after the birth, but no amount of googling, friend asking or ‘how to’ books will help you when it comes to the getting it out part. In- fact the only use it may have in the getting it out part, is being ammunition to throw at said partner, after that its futile.
You will ask the age old question, ‘when will I know?’ Now trust me, you will know when a small person is trying to make a less than brisk exist from your vagina.
Then the actual labour. Well, there is not much I can tell you here. Other than, no-one can make it go away, you can do it and being filmed for any kind of TV programme is probably not the best route.
So, if you are also thinking, how do I prepare myself for kids? Then I will try and give you some tips on how to prepare and the changes in lifestyle to expect…
Food sharing, this one comes in to play quicker than you may think. It might be useful to go out for dinner and offer some food to random strangers OR volunteer at your local playgroup and eat dinner with them. Only then will you know how it might be.
Toileting and showering with an audience. This one is easy, you could either use public toilets with the door open or have someone follow you into the toilet at home whenever you go in. However make sure you ask them to occasionally sit on your lap so you get the full effect.
Another bit of fun might be getting someone to record themselves screaming and setting it to go off a few times a night, for around 30 minutes a time. But do remember to splash some wee or calpol on yourself for a more real feel.
Lastly, speed eating. This one is an art, both at home and out and about. You need to learn to sit down, shut up and eat your food. HOWEVER to begin with, it must be around 40 minutes after it has been made. That way, it will be a much more realistic temperature. However at some point they will feed themselves, better known as ‘eating with there hands and wearing it’. Then you really need to speed eat. No talking and only the occasional chew is allowed. Definatley no enjoying it.
So, those are the few tips, practise exercises I am willing to share right now. The rest you will have to find out yourself, but trust me, you will be fine!