Why I Stopped Writing

This blog has been pretty quiet for some time.

As far as personal posts go.

And I don’t have any real explanations for this because I just don’t know.

I lost my voice. For so many reasons.

I wanted to shut the computer and forget I had put my life out online.

I went to memory classes to try and get my voice back.

Nothing.

I didn’t feel it, I couldn’t feel it. 

As far as my MS goes, it’s a lot slower with my Tysabri. But it is still progressing more. Slowly taking little things without me even noticing.

I felt like no one cared what I had to say.

Who am I anyway?

Who am I so sit and type out my life online?

I’m boring.

Then I worried about my content.

I have multiple sclerosis. And I am not shy about it. I want to talk about it.

Not for sympathy.

Not for people to feel sorry for me, I hate that.

But for the people like me, who feel alone. Who feel like they are abnormal.

Scared.

Frustrated.

Fearful.

I started this to help people like me. People who have a future but have no idea how it will pan out.

We can’t make plans, we can’t have dreams.

Both of these are normally dashed at the last minute.

So we live day to day.

We sit quietly and get on with the pain. Desperate to know we are not alone. 

I started this to make more people aware of MS and what it’s like to live a life with a degenerative disease.

It might not be glamorous.

It’s certainly not easy, but normal people, people like you, need to know.

You might have a friend with MS who is perfectly fine. And that is fabulous. But for most that is not reality.

We might tell you we are fine. But that is because we don’t want to bore you with todays list of symptoms.

Or a new fear that has resurfaced.

We just carry on.

I stopped writing through fear.

Fear of the disease.

Fear of people thinking I want sympathy.

Fear of people judging me

Fear of people just not caring.

Fear of waking up tomorrow having not made the most of yesterday.

But I can’t live in fear anymore.

I want to write.

I want to vlog.

I want to document our lives so my kids can read back and see I loved them. See what I was going through when I was singing nursery rhymes or playing tag.

To give them strength and hope.

I need to stand up and stop living in fear. I need to live for the now.

So if I should wake up tomorrow with the loss of my legs or arms, I can know I lived the hell out of the life I was given.

So there you have it…

miss

14 thoughts on “Why I Stopped Writing

  1. Aww hun. I am glad you feel like writing again. I’m sorry I don’t comment as often as I should. When your children are old enough to read this blog themselves, they will be so proud of everything you write. Write for yourself and for them… not for anybody else. The fact your posts help others, is a massive bonus though and you should be proud of that.

    Have you ever listened to “I lived” by One Republic? I love that song, and that’s how I want to live my life. Live it to the full, with no regrets, because none of us know how long we have. xx

    1. Thank you lovely and dont be sorry. Life does indeed get in the way, no matter how hard we try not to let it. Thank you so much, I will be going over to youtube to have a listen now 🙂 xxxxx

      1. You are a truly brave lady. It is so refreshing to read such honesty and bare emotion. Damn it girl, I had tears in my eyes lol….

  2. I want to read what you have to say. I have several friends with MS, and though I know a little about their struggles, for the most part they keep it inside of themselves. I have suggested to all of them to start a blog. One of them has started one, but she keeps it private and plans to give the password to her family sometime in the future. But I think your struggle needs to be shared.

    Besides all of this, I think you are one of the cutest and funniest people around, and MS does not define you in any way. You are so much more than that, and I think your voice needs to be heard.

    I await your future writing and vlogging and anything else you want to share with the world. 🙂

  3. Good for you!! I am so pleased that you have the urge to write again!!
    I have learned more about MS through your blog than I have anywhere else….Raising awareness is a fantastic thing!

  4. Don’t be sorry and don’t think no one is reading. I want to read the realities, I want to understand what life is really like. Hopefully what you write can have many people understanding the reality. Too many blogs out there give a false reality. Giving the good the bad and the ugly is so much more worthwhile. It’s also so much more special. You are giving so much each time you read a post. I just want to say Thank You!

  5. I am going to listen to that song now too. I am glad you have your voice back. I have lost mine too.
    You do need to lend your voice to M,S. and to your blog, as what a beautiful voice it is.
    This post is very moving and I hope it sees you regaining who you are. More than just a body.
    Liska xxxxxxxx

  6. I love reading your posts about MS as I too have it. I was diagnosed 11 yrs ago so when you write about your experiences with MS, both personally and your family life I feel like I understand, feel relief that I am not alone with my struggles, and a sense of pride that fellow MS patients are writing the truth about MS! You have done a fantastic job and I hope that you continue to write!

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